Outside River Run

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Billie Fine on Suicide

 My first thoughts of suicide came to me as a very young kid. Maybe at three or four.


After being beaten by my father, and my mother just standing there and watching.  I've never felt normal. Teachers never liked me. Other kids never liked me. The friends I did make only grudgingly accepted me, a friend of last resort, and resented me for it. I've never been afraid to die.


It was always an alternative. I had a secret. It's what kept me going. I've always known that there are more dimensions of reality than this one. I remembered living in one, and missed so much being there. I had friends there, people who understood me and loved me. Not sympathy love, or charity love, but real love. 


It was so much better. I wanted desperately to get back there, even though death was the only way. I would try to explain this to people, but they never believed me or took me seriously, but, look, I'm here now and I'm talking to you